Exploiting Death: A Christian Funeral

Yesterday I attended the funeral for my aunt. She had made it to 90 years of age, with the last 10 or so of those arduous. She had survived a home break in, quadruple by-pass, and assorted ailments. She was like the Energizer bunny until a combo of a broken hip and heart attack was finally too much. With her strength sapped and in great pain she waved off the feeding tube. Never one to burden anyone and always thinking of others, she held out just long enough for her kids to leave her room to go so they wouldn't have to witness her actual passing.

My aunt was the strong matriarch of the family. My mother was the last of nine children, and her mother died before my mother turned 15. My aunt became everybody's mom, housing several of her sisters at various times, my mother included. On Sundays, the family dinner was held there for many years before one by one each sibling started families of their own. She sadly lost her husband while her four kids were still very young, but without missing a beat she went out in the world, found a job and supported herself and her kids without asking anybody for help. In fact, it was often her helping others, despite her situation, as it was always known that at any time her home was open to all.

When my mother and I moved here to Philadelphia when I was 9, we lived with her for a couple of years. She was the grandmother I never had, and one I greatly respected. It was from her that I learned many things. She read the paper, cover to cover, each day and seemed like she knew everything. She'd asked me my opinions on things and subtly ask probing questions that made me think and form better opinions. She may not have known everything, but she gave the impression that she did, and, in sharp contrast to my mother, was completely steadfast and unshakable when faced with adversity. Smart, calm, strong, stubborn and warmly generous and capable of setting you at ease. She was quite a lady, one that deserved a great deal of respect.

It is that last point that brings me to the funeral, because for some two hours I endured shameless exploitation of my aunt in the name of advancing religious belief. Not one but two pastors spouted a stereophonic cacophony of christian bullshit and propaganda that made me ill, with brief intermissions for a mediocre singer running down the christian death hits like Amazing Grace, which I had no idea had so many verses. Now for the record I should say that my family is very religious and my aunt was a regular at church. There were two pastors because the first was hers for some 40 years and the second was hers of the last 10 or so after she was forced to move to the suburbs by her kids after she had her incident fending off burglars in her home in South West Philly. The newer one was younger, very energetic, and on a mission to use this event to spread the fucking good news quoting scripture after scripture of not just the guarantees of salvation after death but of how if you don't accept the J man, you're doomed. But of course, a large part of these things is to bring comfort to people by blowing hot air into that fantasy balloon of the great afterlife awaiting us all. In fact, the term he used for the service to kick off his sermon was that this was a "resurrection celebration" and later a "graduation ceremony". There was plenty of nonsense about the joys awaiting us and how we should be so happy for her now but first and foremost was always pushing the importance of "giving yourself up" to Jesus, "serving" Jesus, "being faithful" to Jesus, and of course how the only way to god is through the J man.

The older pastor was much more pragmatic, yet still, in the end, knew not to squander such a golden opportunity to both reinforce faith and perhaps instill faith in anyone who still hadn't "accepted" the J man. He sang some little tune about a kid promising his mother he'd believe so he'd "be there" in heaven one day to see her and went on about how he knows he'll "be there" and hoped we all would "be there" too and we could if we accepted the J man. To his credit he spoke at great length about the quality of the character of my aunt and once even I had to chuckle because he made what I thought was a tactical error. He said that she was the way she was due to the strength of her character and not because of any religious obligation. It took all my strength not to stand up and shout "amen!". Yes, my aunt was a woman of outstanding character, but that wasn't due to her religious belief but rather what she brought to the table. He said that although not participating in the choir or teaching Sunday school, she still had a tremendous impact on the church by merely being such a powerful example of how to be, which of course he had to pervert to mean how to be a good and faithful christian. Yes, there was much that people could walk away with from experiencing my aunt, but all of that came from my aunt, not from some book of fairy tales and no matter how much time you spend with your nose in that book, it's not going to make you a carbon copy of my aunt. Much like the rest of religion, thinking that book holds the key to being a great person like her is a false hope.

A particularly frightening element of this experience was the importance understood by all of getting this nonsense into the minds of children. The old pastor even said something about needing to repeatedly get the message across to them, since, in his own words, "it doesn't always take the first time". I believe he even used the word "indoctrination". At one point my cousin, my aunt's granddaughter, spoke about explaining to her son about where Nana is. Of course she said she was in heaven and had to explain that no, she's not coming back. She admitted she was stumped when he asked, "who's going to make her breakfast there?" but was thankful that he solved his question himself. He exclaimed, "I know! God will make her breakfast" and hearing this there were many sighs and "amen"s and the voice of someone in the back saying, "oh he's a sharp one". I think it was the last comment that made a shiver shoot right down my spine. I thought about this at the cemetery and at the luncheon afterwards looking at pregnant bellies and the couples who have children waiting at home thinking this poison will be repeatedly spoon fed to them like those sick stories of Munchausen syndrome where mothers poison their children a little to keep them perpetually sick. Afterall, "it doesn't always take the first time" and as everyone knows, especially in times of trouble like death, some extra spoonfuls need to be shoved down the collective masses' throat to insure the nonsense takes and faith withstands the challenge.

Hearing the reassurances of how she's in a better place and how we'll all be reunited again I admit our tremendously powerful platitudes that will always be difficult to overcome. How can a rational, atheist position compete with sugarplum fantasies like that? Be that as it may, if all these two pastors were there for was to dispense this morphine to everyone to get them through this event, so be it. It's not what I feel is best, but people are free to deal with grief however they need to but the fact that these vultures saw this as an opportunity to exploit infuriates me to no end. Make no mistake, this is all insidious cult mentality, where ALWAYS the most important thing is to get this message spread and flushed through everyone's systems again and again and again. Naturally I'm saddened by the loss of my aunt, but I'm saddened at the sight of my family fully deluded, I'm saddened at the thought of future generations poisoned and indoctrinated, I'm saddened that my aunt's passing was preyed upon and exploited by vultures, and I'm saddened that most people's reactions to the funeral was that "it was beautiful".

The Blue Hair And The Crucible

Interesting story I caught just now about a substitute teacher who, after a week of teaching, apparently isn't welcome anymore. The reason? Well if you ask the school district, it's her blue hair. If you ask the teacher, Jennifer Harmon, it was religion.

"Blue hair" probably makes you think either punk or old lady. As the picture above shows, Harmon is neither. She also isn't new to the blue hair, but rather has had it for almost 2 years now along with a nose piercing, both of which she had when she applied to be a substitute teacher. Another thing she isn't is a witch, or wiccan, yet it may well be that someone either fears she is or is preying on such fears to get rid of her.

Coincidentally, the same day another sub asked her if she was wiccan, the principal later called her in to inform her that her appearance was a problem. She was also asked about religion, specifically, what hers was and whether she had been talking to the kids about religion.
"Not only was I extremely confused and upset because I was never made aware of any policy prohibiting teachers from having blue hair and nose piercings, but when (the principal) asked me about religion I started to panic," said Harmon, who said she is not Wiccan and does not subscribe to any particular religious faith. "Of course, I never spoke to the children about religion. I would never do such a thing."

Now what I immediately start thinking of is The Crucible, and who might our Abigail be? Hell, maybe it was this other substitute teacher. You know it is difficult to get a teaching job at a good school, and substitute jobs are also tough to get. Our Abigail may well have been trying to submarine what she saw as competition. Even so, how frightening is it that someone in 21st century America could make people turn against someone by making them suspect that someone is a witch? Now maybe our Abigail is a stuffy parent put off by the blue hair and nose piercing and is playing on people's fears with the witch crap and the suggestions Harmon may be like Tituba, speaking to the kids of sorcery, the devil and dancing around a fire in the woods, or maybe someone saw her, was so grossly ignorant to assume such an appearance equals witch, and started fanning the flames of fear. Who knows, but it all smells fishy to me and by fishy I mean Jesus fish on the car fishy.

Thankfully, not everyone there is an ignorant puritan and friends, parents and teachers are supporting Harmon. Still, as I said, it's tough to get substitute gigs and there's no guarantee she'll get called back any time soon. Unlike having a "real" job, she's at the mercy of both opportunity and the discretion of the principals in the school district so if there is discrimination occurring, it'll be far harder to prove. In this I feel her pain and frustration because I too don't have a "real" job and am at the mercy of people both having projects that require me and them deciding to contract me instead of another artist or team of artists. Originally when I started this blog I was hesitant to post my name for fear that perhaps I might get passed over by some uptight churchie. If someone stops calling me, and they're a churchie, yeah, it could very well be due to them knowing how I feel about religion and the god thing, but so what? Nothing I could do about it unlike if I was at a "real" job and was fired or denied things others got. So hopefully Harmon will get called to substitute again there and won't have to face this kind of nonsense again. Also, hopefully, the day will come when none of us have to fear shit like this simply for how we think, or if we have blue hair.

Creepy Archbishop Condemns "Atheist Fundamentalism"

Today's creepy old weirdo bemoaning christian persecution is the archbishop of Wales, coming to us from across the pond from BBC News. In fact, he's good for a two-for, because he also regurgitates one of our favorite christian bullshit charges, "atheist fundamentalism". Usually it's just "atheism is a religion" but when they have their panties truly in a knot or want to go one higher and crank their bullshit up to "11" they spew "atheist fundamentalism". It seems this guy's panties are twisted over calling x-mas "Winterval" and no nativity plays at schools.

First, let's look at how he defined this "atheist fundamentalism". He said it...
"advocated that religion in general and Christianity in particular have no substance, and that some view the faith as superstitious nonsense".
Hmmm, that sounds like common sense to me, not fundamentalism. Let's stop for a moment and check the definition of fundamentalism from Merriam-Webster:
fundamentalism: 1 a: a movement in 20th century Protestantism emphasizing the literally interpreted Bible as fundamental to Christian life and teaching
b: the beliefs of this movement
c: adherence to such beliefs
2: a movement or attitude stressing strict and literal adherence to a set of basic principles
And if you clicked the link earlier about charging atheism is a religion you'd have seen this definition:
atheism: the rejection of claims for the existence of a god or gods for lack of evidence
So what would "atheist fundamentalism" be? Strict and literal adherence to the belief that you need evidence before you can accept a claim for the existence of a god or gods? That's the only thing I get when trying to combine those two words into anything remotely sensible and of course even this is silly since nearly everyone repeatedly everyday requires evidence before accepting a claim (well except for those people gullible enough to think that person emailing them from Nigeria really will give them millions of dollars in exchange for just a few thousand). This is referred to as "common sense", only for some reason most of the world, when it comes to god claims, abandon their common sense. So if we atheists are to be damned as "fundamentalists" because we have such a strict adherence to common sense that we keep it even when faced with god claims, then so be it. However, the archbishop wants to imply that we have some big book of bullshit like him that we mindlessly follow, and perhaps on page one is that christianity has no substance and that it's superstitious nonsense. No sir, those are merely conclusions one comes to if they use their common sense, and relax, we think of all religions that way, not just christianity.

After the archbishop gave his examples of how christians are persecuted, he said:
"All of this is what I would call the new "fundamentalism" of our age. It allows no room for disagreement, for doubt, for debate, for discussion. It leads to the language of expulsion and exclusivity, of extremism and polarisation, and the claim that, because God is on our side, he is not on yours."

Now this is more confusing than his so-called atheist fundamentalism. No room for disagreement, for doubt, for debate, or for discussion? Is he serious? Is that not the motif of all religions, to crush dissent, demand belief and censor anything in disagreement? The Golden Compass movie is being boycotted by catholics and other christian groups, the books series that gave life to the movie has been recently banned from a catholic school library, the pope earlier this year said his religion is the only true one, kids have to get their genitals snipped, can not get potentially life saving vaccines (or in some cases any medical care like a blood transfusion), are taught abstinence instead of the values of birth control, and frankly I think I could keep writing for days and not even come close to all the examples of how this is the game plan of religion. If it were true that christians were actually getting a taste of their own medicine, then perhaps they deserve it but the truth is they aren't. What he objects to is what his comrades in the states object to, losing their privileged and unjustified position everywhere in society, especially when it's at the expense of others. Yes, you are being expelled from the places you wrongly claimed and excluded from opportunities to continue to exclude.

To further elaborate on this old nut's delusions, here are some other choice statements:
The nativity story in St Luke's Gospel had a "message of joy and good news for everyone".
"God is not exclusive, he is on the side of the whole of humanity with all its variety."

Ah yes, the "good news". Don't get me started about that, but the delusion that his little baby cult story is somehow "good news" for everyone is absurd, as is the notion that his magic man is on the side of everyone. Yeah, everyone that believes in him, well, who believes in him the "right" way, oh, and make sure you're not gay, and it would be better if you had a penis, but other than all that, yeah, on the side of everyone.

Christ Nazis Tell Two Boys, "No Christmas For You!"

This is yet another example of christian craziness at christmas time, this time brought to us from our friends across the pond. There's been plenty written here and elsewhere of how the christians usurped this time of year's celebrations. Then of course there's the crap about how we HAVE to call it christmas now, forcibly exhibited in this story where 3 jews were beaten by 10 christians for daring to reply to "merry christmas" with "happy hanukkah" (incidentally, it was a muslim man who came to the aid of the jews because I guess the rest of the subway car's christians were in full agreement with the christian bullies). Fine, okay, we'll call it christmas. Jesus Christ, enough! Anything else?

Oh right, then of course HOW we celebrate has rules. I pointed out earlier how a christian objected to how people on one boat in a christmas boat show decided to celebrate. Certainly there's been too many incidents to list here this month of christians fussing about their imagery being displayed on government property or that other imagery shouldn't, or that it should be smaller, or run over with a pickup truck. Alright, so we can celebrate this time of year IF we call it christmas AND we celebrate the "right" way. Anything else?

Well now it seems that you have to actually believe this christ crap or else you can't celebrate at all. No Santa, no tree, no gifts, no lights, no pudding, no punch no... wait a minute, this is christian? Wtf? Well it appears that two boys whose mother asked them to be exempt from christian classes at Cluny Primary school have been denied participation in the school's christmas party. The headmaster's opinion was that if you don't believe, then you can't celebrate. As one of the kids said, "People put up Christmas trees at Christmas. They're not religious so why would a party be religious?" Well said. I think there's a show on tv now called "are you smarter than a 5th grader?". Obviously the headmaster is not, nor are any christians, at least at this time of year. They fucking lose their minds (in the spirit of the holidays, I"ll grant them that they had minds prior to December) this time of year yelling that "it's christmas, damn it" , "put the christ back in christmas", beating jews, running over other's holiday stuff with their pickups and telling little kids, "no christmas for you!". Nice. What is it they say? This is the time for peace on Earth and goodwill to your fellow man? Yeah, if you fully submit I guess.
(Btw, it should be fellow humans, not fellow man, but christianity is one of many penis = privilege religions)

Lite-Brite Last Supper

This is entirely silly but I'm fascinated by it. Also, as the guy is relatively local, I feel compelled to promote this crazy artist's work. This guy, Mark Beekman, now holds the Guinness World record for largest work of art created with Lite-Brite. Yes, I said Lite-Brite! He created a 5' x 10' Lite-Brite masterpiece of.... Leonardo's Last Supper. Fucking brilliant!
Video interview

Beekman said,
"When I was a kid, you couldn't have paid me to go to an art museum. I thought art was boring. With this piece, I wanted to appeal to kids as well as the kid in all of us. I want people to realize that art is whatever they want it to be. It doesn't have to fit a category, and it certainly doesn’t have to be boring."

Essentially what he did was do a Chuck Close trick. You take an image, overlay a grid, enlarge the grid on a larger canvas, and meticulously copy the image to the large canvas one square at a time. In Chuck's day, it was all plotted out in his mind but today we have computers which make it so easy that you get stuff like this where Darth Vader's portrait is generated by a mosaic of frames from Star Wars. So Beekman generated a mosaic, then no doubt followed the Chuck Close method, substituting Lite-Brite pegs for paint dabs. One peg at a time, one square at a time, one row at a time, he painstakingly recreated the Last Supper in Lite-Brite. Fucking Brilliant!





If you have $15,000, this work could be yours. It's for sale on Ebay. He says the money will go to charity.

If all of this brings back childhood memories and you miss your Lite-Brite, here is the next best thing. Enjoy!

A "Haught"y Ally?

I came upon an article today at Salon which is an interview with John Haught, who perhaps may be a maverick theologian. Personally, I find that to be, in his case, an oxymoron akin to jumbo shrimp. Yes, he can accept Evolution (sorta) and testified in Dover against ID, but he's still a catholic theologian, which means he still drinks the kool aid, just maybe not from as big a glass as other catholics. I have some objections to his responses to the questions given to him and I thought I'd share those.

Your forthcoming book, "God and the New Atheism," is a critique of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris. You claim that they are pale imitations of great atheists like Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre. What are they missing?
My chief objection to the new atheists is that they are almost completely ignorant of what's going on in the world of theology. They talk about the most fundamentalist and extremist versions of faith, and they hold these up as though they're the normative, central core of faith. And they miss so many things. They miss the moral core of Judaism and Christianity -- the theme of social justice, which takes those who are marginalized and brings them to the center of society. They give us an extreme caricature of faith and religion

First of all, as I've said numerous times before, you don't need to know every line of the bible, the quran, or any holy book to understand that the very idea of there being a god is dubious and yet to be proven. There has yet to be any evidence produced for this claim, so parsing scriptures and debating "real" meanings of passages is simply a waste of time and diversions to get the argument off the main point, the very existence of their gods.

Second, social justice? Are you kidding me? The social justice of which he speaks has evolved a great deal since originally written and preached. Do they proclaim equality of gender or race? We sure as hell know there's no equality for gays. The so called social justice is not contained within the cores of these faiths but rather have been adopted by those faiths from the outside pressures of society. Gender and race equality, and objecting to slavery came from outside, not inside, and from outside pressure more will come.

Didn't [Nietzsche, Sartre and Camus] see the death of God as terrifying?
Yes, they did. And they thought it would take tremendous courage to be an atheist. Sartre himself said atheism is an extremely cruel affair. He was implying that most people wouldn't be able to look it squarely in the face. And my own belief is they themselves didn't either. Nietzsche, Sartre and Camus eventually realized that nihilism is not a space within which we can live our lives.

You know what's funny? He can go from criticizing modern atheists for their lacking theological training yet feels perfectly fine commenting on men like Nietzsche without having a proper knowledge of them. In the next question (that I'm not listing here) he focuses on Sartre and Camus. For the sake of being intellectually honest, I'll admit I'm not that familiar with their writings but I am with Nietzsche and he's either dead wrong in his understanding of him or is being deliberately deceptive. Yes, Nietzsche did recognize the potential danger of nihilism in the vacuum created by the absence of god belief, but he provided ample material to fill that void. Hope in the perpetual betterment of self and mankind through the idea of the Ubermensche and the assessing and assigning of values and meaning to life through the Revaluation of all Values alone are enough to fill the void. True, Nietzsche's tone is certainly evidence that he knew he wasn't writing for the masses of his time, but his hope was that it would be for the masses of the future, and the few today who can understand and have the strength of mind and will to help forge a world for the "next" men, rescuing it from the "last" men.

But why can't you have hope if you don't believe in God?
You can have hope... I argue that an atheistic worldview is not capable of justifying that confidence.

As I outlined above from Nietzsche, the idea of working for the greater good of self and humanity is more than noble. True, the task may seem daunting but what's better, rolling up your sleeves and getting to work to try and make it happen or dropping to your knees praying that a magic man will make it happen? There's hope, and then there's fantasy. Secular hope is true hope, realistic hope, a hope predicated upon the acts of man, not the whims of a fairy tale god.

He goes on to prattle a bit about how Science and religion can coexist and his explanations, although odd sounding to me, may very well diffuse the fundamentalist objections to Science so I won't object to them, but there is something I object to and it's something I see again and again and again by theists in their arguments. It's what I call "the magic sense" argument. What it puts forth is that our senses are limited and we can't perceive everything with them, that through some "magic sense" a theist "knows" of their god. This argument also gets extended to suggest that there are limits to understanding the world through reason and evidence alone. I've even recently experienced someone claim that to only rely on reason and evidence is being close-minded! This latter claim is what Haught goes with...

What do you say to the atheists who demand evidence or proof of the existence of a transcendent reality?
The hidden assumption behind such a statement is often that faith is belief without evidence. Therefore, since there's no scientific evidence for the divine, we should not believe in God. But that statement itself -- that evidence is necessary -- holds a further hidden premise that all evidence worth examining has to be scientific evidence. And beneath that assumption, there's the deeper worldview -- it's a kind of dogma -- that science is the only reliable way to truth. But that itself is a faith statement.

Yes, how dogmatic of us to think only what we can perceive is worth acknowledging. A fun play on this that theists usually use is to point out how centuries ago man did not know of atoms, bacteria, or how many planets there are in the solar system. They then ask, "were they not real then?" It's a cute trick that requires a lengthy reply, which is partly why it works. Now of course we know those things were real then as they are now and that yes, man lacked the ability then to perceive such things but I ask what good would mere faith in them do? Without being able to perceive them we could never understand anything from them, so simply believing in some idea of atoms and Pluto serves no practical good. Furthermore, how should our ancestors have gone about distinguishing such beliefs from say the beliefs that the Moon was made from cheese or that a pile of soiled clothing would spontaneously generate vermin and parasites (I'm not making this up, this actually once was a belief)? No, it's precisely reason and demands for evidence by which we can truly understand the universe, or else we'd have no means by which to accept one claim from another.

Haught goes on to expand on his argument, preying on the as yet unknowns of the universe as "evidence" that Science can't explain everything. He rather skillfully prattles through several questions with essentially a stylish rendition of the "god of the gaps" idea, where anything unknown therefore must be credited to his god. It's truly ridiculous, but I urge you to read it for yourself. What's amusing is near the end of the interview he actually objects to people who argue the god of the gaps bullshit, yet he clearly bases his comments on that very idea, he just stops short of sticking god in but rather argues there are other ways of knowing and understanding and so forth, which is "magic sense" but what's the magic sense for? "Knowing" god.

He goes on to say religion should embrace the discoveries made by Science, but of course asserts the limitations of it. Another theist argument he puts forth is the idea of consciousness, that that is something that can't explained so (everyone with me) god did it, or at least is evidence of a god. This is a well they often return to, the idea that the complex can't come from the simple, and nor could it come by chance. He also puts forth some interpretations of what "religion" is (which at one point he sort of implies atheism is a religion) and argues for the idea of a personal god.

There's a lot to object to with this guy, but he may be an ally we need. If he can get theists off our backs, away from objecting to Science and even respecting the Establishment clause and the separation of church and state, then we could definitely use him and hope he finds some success, just not total success since, of course, he still drinks the kool aid, but just not from the big 32 ounce Big Gulp cup.

It's All About The Children

Hey you know what x-mas is about? It's about the children. Let's take a moment to see how the children are doing this time of year. At the the Chapel we have some issues about the early indoctrination of children here and in the followup. Some stuff about the Nigerian "witch" kids too, also covered well at Daylight Atheism. Then there's the jehovah witness kid who died because his cult thinks blood transfusions are evil. About a month ago I wrote about a kid's foreskin up for grabs in a divorce battle because the father decided suddenly he's jewish so his son's wiener should get a kosher snip, and of course I continued on to rant about other child abuses because once that train leaves the station, well, the Superchief just keeps going and going. Now we've heard Dawkins talk about religious indoctrination of kids as child abuse, and we certainly have heard plenty over the last few years about ministers sexually abusing kids, catholic priests far and ahead of the other christians on that one. In case you were living under a rock, you can find a lot of those news stories at Mojoey's. Oh those crazy, evil christians and jews, but you know there's another popular desert cult that at least in the UK is trying to REALLY catch up to their craziness. Yes, I'm talking about islam and today I found something especially outrageous.

It appears that there's this cute little sing along dvd on sale in West Yorkshire for young arabic kids. In fact, this one may even be aimed at girls. How progressive! So according to the Daily Mail:

In the DVD an Arab woman is seen playing with her two children. She then makes a bomb out of sticks of dynamite in the bedroom as her young daughter enters. The woman leaves home with dynamite tucked into her dress and blows herself up after being challenged by soldiers leaving her children and husband to learn of her death on TV.

Of course at the end, the girl singing vows to follow in her mother's footsteps. Nice. There are a couple of other songs, too, with women and children crying with flames and explosions and another about how awesome islam is and how terrible it is for the Palestinians. Well that sure puts complaining about a kid being made to recite some christian prayer or something in perspective, doesn't it? Yikes!

Creationist Victorious Over Evolutionist

Well it seems one creationist figured out a way to win an argument against a supporter of Evolution, he stabbed him in the heart. According to this story, an English creationist named Alexander York got into an argument with a Scottish traveler, Rudi Boa and his girlfriend (both biomedical students) while at the pub. Later at some camp grounds they were all staying at, the argument was rekindled at which time Mr. York stabbed Mr. Boa in the heart, causing him to fall into his girlfriend's arms and die.

The judge ruled Mr. York was only guilty of manslaughter, refusing to accept that the killing of Mr. Boa was intelligently designed but rather accidental, so his sentence is only 5 years. Clearly this is evidence of god's divine influence, both steadying the knife wielding hand of Mr. York (like he did the security guard's hand recently at the New Life church) and in affecting the judgement of the judge. Take THAT, Evolution!

Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Meme

Ugh, I've been tagged with this meme thing where I'm supposed to list 7 unknown, weird, and/or unusual things about myself by the Chaplain of where else? The Chapel. Well I am full of myself, I am unusual and I can't back away from a challenge so of course I'll oblige.

1) I was Captain and MVP of my college fencing team
2) I won a short story contest in college where one of the judges was Ursula K. Le Guin
3) I work as a 3D artist and animator and my online name in the cg world is "Zarathustra"
4) My shoe size matched my age up until I was 14
5) Several years ago (back when I had facial hair), Iron Chef Morimoto prepared my birthday meal.
6) In 1st grade I had to beat up everyone in my class, some from some others and the school bully (a 4th grader) because I wouldn't accept how things were run
7) I was adopted

Now who should I ask to hear such unusual and unknown things from? Who still harbors some unknowns to us? Well let's try...
The Lifeguard now that he's back on duty.
JP because I have spent considerable time on his blog in the past month.
And of course let's peek into the closet of The Exterminator.
What will we find? I suppose we'll just have to wait and see.

As The Wolves Feast

I really wanted nothing to do with discussing the Colorado church shootings. Honestly. I saw it as a fertile garden for idiocy to come from both sides of the argument. The christians naturally would claim he was an atheist and therefore that shows what happens when you don't believe. When it would be shown to them that he was christian then they'd say he was insane and not a "true" reflection of christianity. Some atheists of course would bring up the question of evil, posing the same pointless question of "how can a loving god allow this to happen?" which is pointless because, although ridiculous sounding, can be easily dismissed with the creative christian superpower of rationalization.

Now these are the expected arguments. These for me, having spent no time at all studying the terrible events, were what I saw as the crux of the resulting opinion posts and public statements. Of course on top of those I couldn't escape the blogs and the mainstream media's crap as more details of the events came out. On the christian side you have the "divine intervention" of the security guard who stopped the shooter. Here you have everything from people remarking how she was put there by god (ignoring the fact that the shootings the night before were big news and the police had advised all churches to have locked down services Sunday and encouraged further beefed security which New Life did obviously) to the guard herself saying how her god steadied her hand and filled her with courage. On the atheist side, there's the revelations that the shooter grew up in a very religious environment that quite possibly included overbearing parents (comments on internet forums saying this being credited to the shooter), had him in an oppressive youth christian group and facing only Oral Roberts U and some other evangelical school as his only options for college as plenty of fodder for making this guy looney enough to wig out and shoot everybody.

Then of course there are the truly ignorant responses like the Family Research Counsel blaming the "secular media" for the shootings or some other cranks blaming video games, music, tv and film. Then you have those advocating everyone carrying guns as a solution to such things, since hey, a chick with a gun did stop this guy, right? Although this latter idea is maybe less selfish in it's exploitation of these shootings than say the christian or atheist exploitations, it's still an exploitation.

What I see from everyone involved is, like the video above, a scene of vicious predators tearing into fresh meat to feed themselves. So many rush in for their moment to exploit the situation to advance their goals. Frankly it sickens me almost as much as the thought of the shootings itself since, for my list of douchedom, those who can exploit the misery of others are merely a hair below those who actually inflict the misery on others. Maybe in some way I'm exploiting the event myself, but honestly I really have had enough of all the douches trying to use these shootings for their own means and I really wish everyone would just stop. I certainly respect and don't want to appear as if I'm criticizing the thoughtful posts made from all sides expressing their outrage, their sorrow, and their well wishes for the victims and their family and friends. Not at all. I'm just tired of those who are and will continue to use the shootings to their advantage. When I see that shit is when I wish there was a hell.

Magic Healing Leg

Alright, so this is just absurd. You have this guy who claimed he had healing powers in his leg and a couple of guys stole it. Now I don't know how he healed with this leg. For some reason the BBC just glanced over that whole thing like it was a normal, everyday thing to have magical healing legs.
Right! Wut's this about then?
- It's my leg. It's been stolen.
Stolen?
- Yes. They cut it right off!
Can you describe it?
- Well it was magical and could heal people.
Right. Let's get a sketch artist. Bloody third one this week.

So the locals believed that they could be cured by touching the magic leg, but there was no more details than that. Frankly, I'm shocked and disappointed with the BBC. What do you mean cured by touching it? Any particular part? Was the entire leg magical or only the lower part? Could you get anything from just being in proximity to it? Would it count as touching if he had on some trousers and you didn't touch the skin? What about if you and him were in a pool, would the water be a magic conductor like it is for electricity? Can you see the healing magic? Does the leg glow? Could there be any residual healing power on say a sock or a sandal? Could his toe cheese spread healing goodness? Ah, damn you BBC! I'll lie awake thinking of these things tonight.

Anyway, this holy man with the magic leg had two past patients come visit him to thank him, or so he thought. They bought him drinks, got him loaded and when he passed out they cut off his magic leg (apparently they believed the magic lay in just the half below the knee). Where the leg is now and why they stole it is still a mystery which leaves the police and the holy man stumped. Can the leg still possess and dispense healing magic? If so, for how much longer? Could the leg, if returned, heal the holy man? If so, would it make him grow a new limb or would it magically reattach itself? Well it's that last bit I want to find out, and probably so would that guy who created the site why won't god heal amputees?

You'll Have to Pry My Pole Dancing Angel from My Cold Dead Hands

You know why I really can't stand christmas? Christians. What a pain in the ass. First there were parties, then they waltz in and glom on to the revelry like, "oh btw right? Our messiah was born now too, yeah? So since we're all partying, why don't we just party together?" and before long they got smug and claimed ownership of the whole damn thing. Alright, you win your fight to name it christmas, you get a fucking national holiday out of it and now you even get a Congressional Resolution that's all "yeah christmas and christians, woo!" but is that enough? Oh no. You're never satisfied, are you? Now you have to dictate HOW we celebrate and what is and isn't allowed. When will it end?

So at a christmas boat parade recently some uppity christian says "oh no" to one boat's "christmas angel". What could be wrong with this christmas angel you ask? Well, she happened to be swinging and dancing from the mast of the boat. Although wearing a white body suit, the christian said,
"This woman is all bent over, totally naked and doing a dance you see in Key West.. It was one of the most vulgar things I've ever seen.”
She went on to say,
"What she did was a felony. This is the birth of Christ we're celebrating here and you don't do that when children are watching"

Now I'd naturally be inclined to say something like what one of the judges of the boat parade said to her, which was “If you don't like it, just sit down and shut up. The kids shouldn't be here, anyway.” Of course I'd go on to say more, like "what the fuck does your superstitious belief in a baby god have to do with whether or not I can enjoy a pole dancing angel? but of course you know that all falls on deaf ears. No, it's THEIR holiday, you do it THEIR way, or too fucking bad for you ya godless unAmerican bastards. Well damn you all. I draw the line at pole dancing angels.

Letter to Rep. Mike Castle in response to HR#847

I was clued in on this nonsense by the Exterminator here and from there you can follow the trail back for even more on HR#847. Anyway, EnoNomi brought up the point of writing to congratulate those 9 who opposed this ridiculous resolution but you know what? That's not my style. My style is ripping into those idiots who voted in favor of it and lo and behold, the Representative from the fine little state of DE, where I currently reside, was one of those douches. You know what that means....

Representative Castle,

I am very disappointed to see you were a party to that ridiculous waste of taxpayer time and money known as HR#847. I'm so glad there are no important issues that need to be addressed in Congress so that you and others can sit around making proclamations recognizing christmas and christianity. You should be ashamed of yourself.

This was shameless pandering to christians and you no doubt felt compelled to not look like a bad guy by being one of the few who would look like they were grinches poo pooing christmas but I say this resolution is far more important and damaging than that. The text of the resolution very clearly affirms the misnomers that the US was founded as a christian nation, christians and christmas need protection and saving from the threats of secularists and that it's the US's role in the world to be the defender of christianity.

I invite you sir to revisit the Constitution, or perhaps visit it for the first time and read it through. There has existed in this fine nation from it's infancy a separation of church and state. Although there have been countless attempts to circumvent the wall and a couple of breaches made in the 1950s, nevertheless the wall that Jefferson and Madison helped erect still stands. In recent years there has been what seems like an all out assault on both this wall and the main body of our nation's Constitution and in light of this, now is when we the People need our elected officials like you the most, to stand up and rebuke such challenges and help preserve our Constitution, our rights, and our very nation.

You and others like you are elected to stand in the place of the People of this great nation to speak for them, defend them and their rights, and to honor and protect the Constitution of the United States of America from all it's enemies, within and without. I'm sorry sir, but yesterday you failed on all counts. I understand that you are a christian sir, but the text that you should be holding sacred, that you were elected to honor and defend, lies not in the bible but in the Constitution of the United States. I urge you to remember that, remember your responsibility to that document, to the People of this land christian or not, and if you cannot put our Constitution first and foremost in your mind and above your bible when it comes to doing your job, than I would hope that you would at least have the honor to step down from a position whose responsibilities you are clearly incapable of carrying out.

Sincerely,

Dave Mauriello

I urge all of you to look here for your Representative(s) and if they were like Mike, rip them a new one, or politely remind them what they should be doing in Congress. Whichever. If you are one of the few whose Representative voted against this thing, then merry christmas to you.

Testimony and Confessions to the Football Gods

I want to speak to you all today about the Football Gods. They are all powerful and benevolent to those who show them the proper respect they are due and wrathful to those who sin against them. I for one am a Football Gods fearing man and I weekly honor them on the high holy days of gameday to win their favor for my Chiefs to triumph in battle over their unworthy and sinful opponents, for all who fail to acknowledge the Chiefs way are infidels and know not of what it means to properly worship the Football Gods. Let's all raise our arms in a tomahawk chop and sing out our Chiefs' war cry loudly so that the Football Gods may hear...

Hoooo ho HOoo hooooo, HOoo ho, ho HOoo ho

And a hearty amen-AH! Now if after that your hearts aren't filled with joy and happiness from the Football Gods, then I ask all of you to look deep in those hearts today-AH and ask yourself do you really BELIEVE? Do you acknowledge the Football Gods are all powerful? Do you do right to honor and respect them every day, not just on gameday? Know that you can not hide your true thoughts from Them brothers and sist-AHs! No! They see when you doubt, they see when you sin and they will reign misery and heartache upon you and your loved ones for such things for they are vengeful Gods, blessed be Their names (of which, of course, we cannot say aloud). Have you forsaken your Chiefs? Have you not worn your hats, your shirts, or your coats? Have you removed your Chiefs adornments from your car for shame of this season's record? Or worse, have you dared to don the adornments of another team? BLASPHEMERS! Know that there is no greater sins than fairweather fans or bandwagoners! No, it is in these dark times that we are truly tested-AH! Our faith challenged, our love shaken and our doubts in the power or very presence of the Football Gods but know that this is precisely when we must represent and believe-AH! We must maintain the fires of the barbecues of our hearts-AH! Let me hear ya now-AH!

Hoooo ho HOoo hooooo, HOoo ho, ho HOoo ho

Now brothers and sisters, I stand before you to confess some secret sins. Yes, I know, you may be shocked to hear that even I have not followed the straight and narrow and have deviated-ah! But I stand before you all as a sinner and humbly ask for the forgiveness of the Football Gods and pray that my example may somehow inspire any of you who may have also sinned to confess those sins, repent and ask for the Football Gods' forgiveness and let them come again into your hearts and stoke the coals. I have two sins to confess today, which no doubt were responsible for two of the worst incidents of vengeance visited upon our Chiefs this season. Join me now everyone before I go on.

Hoooo ho HOoo hooooo, HOoo ho, ho HOoo ho

Now the first sin perhaps I could feign ignorance but if I looked deep within my heart I would have known my action was an egregious violation of the Covenant. I barbecued turkey, knowing full well that the Football Gods frown on poultry as a suitable offering. The air may have been filled with a fine mixture of hickory and sweet wood smoke but it was still fouled by the stench of fowl, and therefore at the end there was no divine intervention like in times before to yet again deny the soulless Raiders a taste of victory. No my friends, I sinned and the price of that sin was not only breaking the 4 and a half year reign over those infidels, but to allow them to besmirch the hallowed ground of Arrowhead with silver and black triumph. I know friends, I know. I thank you for your support but do not suggest that the Covenant is to be only narrowly interpreted to mean prohibition of chicken. Look deep into your hearts and you'll know the REAL wishes of the Football Gods-AH! No winged beast shall be enough to satiate Their desires! Can I get a war cry?

Hoooo ho HOoo hooooo, HOoo ho, ho HOoo ho

But now brothers and sisters, I have a dark confession to make. This past Sunday I seemed to give the trappings of commitment but my sin was great. The air was indeed filled with the smoke of hickory and sweet woods. On the grill was pork shoulder, a most acceptable offering, lovingly rubbed the night before in such sacred seasonings as brown sugar, fresh crushed allspice and red pepper flakes. A most fine sauce was prepared with the divinely spiced rum of saint Capt. Morgan. But lo, I did not adorn myself in the jersey of our future HoFer #88 for I needed to dress myself appropriately for a concert my pookie was performing in which took place during game time. Yes my friends, I did not dress for or watch the game. Please, please, be still. I must go on. I did race home to see most of the 2nd half, but of course the damage was already done by then but as if to truly punish me They made me watch a 24-7 score grow to 41-7 to truly hammer home the severity of my sin. So let this be a lesson to all of you. If you should ever doubt the existence of the Football Gods, take heed of my actions and the subsequent responses from Them for surely there can be no clearer evidence of their existence than in their acts of vengeance-AH! Oh, we hailed them those times in the past when Page picked off crucial passes at the ends of Raider games or last year's miracle on the last day of the regular season when our Chiefs won, Cincy and NY lost and of course the heathen Donkeys of Denver fell in Denver to the lowly 49ers but know that they are just as powerfully present in our dark times punishing us for our transgressions. Today I ask for forgiveness from you oh Lords, and ask all of you to ask for forgiveness as well. Together, empowered by our faith, we shall overcome-AH!

Hoooo ho HOoo hooooo, HOoo ho, ho HOoo ho

Let's open our hymnals to page 16 and let's raise our voices loud in the Chiefs' arrangement of the immortal Gary Glitter's Rock 'n Roll part2...

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

Ah, the signs are popping up all around reminding us of what special time of year this is. Here in the virtual world of the Atheosphere, there's talk of GodMart shopping, stolen baby Jesuses (or is it "Jesi"?), explorations of this season's history, contrived holiday personality tests,
a silly Humanist take on calling the season christmas, a report on the war on christmas (with snazzy visuals), a sensible christian's take on the "war on christmas",
a not so sensible christian's warning about a movie (presented by the not so christian Chaplain) and some questions asked and answered concerning christmas by the teen atheist. Here in the "real world", right-wingnut christian yahoos are bent over Dubya's continued use of a sorta secular holiday card which sounds like 2005's sorta secular holiday cards that got their panties in a bunch since it there's ONLY one OT verse, catholics are protesting a movie (you know, THAT movie)

and finally snow has begun to fall here today which Elsa has christened, officially signaling this special time is underway. But what do we call it and what exactly is it? Well, that's all debatable. We could call it christmas season, but christians have butted their way into this season, marking it with their mangers and denying anyone else's claims to the season.
Not very nice of them if you ask me. It's like some obnoxious wedding crashers moved in and declared this is now a birthday party for their magic man. How rude! This is why I didn't feel bad earlier saying Elsa "christened" the snow because it pretty accurately describes how christians make things theirs, they shit on them. So should they be rewarded for their usurping of the party by calling it christmas? I don't think so.

Well not everyone can join in on Channukah, or Hannukah, or Hanna-Barberra, or whatever this year's spelling of the jewish holiday is because, well, it's exclusive to jews.

Same goes for the recently fabricated holiday called Kwanzaa, although it is fun to say, but this whitey isn't invited to sit at the lunch counter of that holiday. So then what do we call it? Festivus? That does sound fun but what proper free thinking atheist is going to submit to a holiday with dogmatic rules?

Besides, I think either an aluminum tree or even an aluminum menorah is prettier than an aluminum pole. Happy Solstice? What, we should celebrate the darkest day of the year? Maybe that works for those of you on the bottom of the Earth since it'll be the day with the most sunlight, but not for us topside. So what then?




To make matters worse, what kind of greeting do you give to people either verbally or via a card? Do you say Happy (insert your holiday name)? Would this be rude imposition of your holiday preference, making you no better than christians?
Should you instead tailor your greetings to the preferences of who you're addressing? What if you don't know what flavor of holiday someone's celebrating this time of year? Say you wish "merry christmas" to someone and they say, "I'm jewish". What do you say? "Oh sorry, you don't look jewish". Good luck with that. Likewise, can you just assume black people want to hear "happy Kwanzaa"? I mean, can only black people say "Kwanzaa"? Whities like me need to know.

So I'll go with the safe bet, "Happy Holidays". A bit out of character for me playing it safe, but I see no other option. Celebrate whichever one you want. Hell, celebrate them all if you can. Why not? Fun, food, time with friends and loved ones and exchanging gifts shouldn't be limited to just one day. In fact, I don't think it should be limited to just one season, either.


PS - If you're pissed waiting for your browser to load all these images, blame the Exterminator or get off of dial up for fuck's sake. Hello, it's the 21st century.